Be Kind to Yourself

By Karen Whistler
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In July, Pastor Marietta held two events with Poulsbo-based Christian therapist Nita Baer, MA around the concept behind the book The Awakened Brain: The New Science of Spirituality and Our Quest for an Inspired Life by Lisa Miller. 

I am still waiting for it from the library but look forward to diving in myself. As a congregation, we explored the value of spiritual formation. Specifically, Nita explained how experience with a loving divine presence outside of oneself contributes to developing resilience and contributing towards mental wellness. 

Along with those events, Pastor created a phenomenal playlist. I’ve been listening on repeat for myself and the family. Many of the songs have been replaying in my head subconsciously. I am happy to have these lyrics bouncing around. 

During a weekly newsletter, Pastor shared this video of the song Be Kind to Yourself . Andrew Peterson gives the story of writing this song after a conversation with his 12-year-old daughter. She shared the negative thoughts and feelings she had about herself. This tugged at his compassion, as a dad who tenderly felt love when his daughter was hurting.

In the midst of a challenging week, this song came to me in times of chaos. As it played over and over in my mind, a reflection emerged. I turned on the song and took notes as the lyrics washed over me. 

The following is my reaction. I start with a love letter to my children, then realize most of this song is what I need to hear myself. I am curious to hear what jumped out to you in this song and others in the playlist. Please share!

“You've got all that emotion that's
Heaving like an ocean
And you're drowning in a deep dark well
I can hear it in your voice that
If you only had a choice
You would rather be anyone else

I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He made your precious heart

Be kind to yourself 
be kind to yourself”

So much of my attempt at parenting is captured here. All I want the kids to know and believe (trust in) is that “I love you before you did anything, deeper down to the core of every fiber, my Love extends to every detail in the way you are made.” And that my love pales in comparison to the Divine Love of the God who created you.

I do feel myself catch on the “He” who made the precious heart. My heart longs to find God beyond the Patriarchy of the strictly male God who yields authority and control. And in this place on my path, I even resist putting our assumptions about God in a box. I struggle to find words that capture my beliefs other than “the Divine is good. Creator God is the author of peace, love, and justice. You are made on purpose, made with Love, and are Love.” 

From here my mind dives into musings on what I want my kids to know, deep down. The closest I can get to “doctrine” right now is still so fuzzy: 

Humans have a lot of stories about their experiences with God. We can learn from them. Religious traditions are built on those experiences and stories. What society or pockets of culture think and feel about those stories shifts over time. Your relationship with God will shift and grow as you do. God is forever pouring out love to you. Jim Finley talks about “devotional sincerity” as sign of response to that never-ending Love.

Church and being part of a community of people pursuing Love and seeking Justice are helpful ways to navigate those stories. Here you can lean into developing/growing/fostering/building the skills to listen to the Loving heart of God in one’s own heart. (Because this world is hard and confusing and that voice of Love gets clouded over easily. Loving relationships are the key to staying healthy in heart, soul, and mind.)

As a parent, my hope is this: Through all the complexities, hardships, failures that happen within a family and as a part of growing up--not to mention internal battles of worth--I hope the message of God’s actual Love comes through. 

Above all, I pray the “love” we teach doesn’t end up skewed into some burden. I pray it is experientially felt and understood in the depth of their being. I have to Trust the Divine Creator to pour Love into my children. My faith tries to hold to the belief this possible. Even when it’s easy to stack up evidence to the contrary.

The still, small voice is there. I believe they can and will hear it and respond.

“I know it's hard to hear it
When the anger in your spirit
Is pointed like an arrow at your chest
When the voices in your mind
Are anything but kind
And you can't believe your father knows best

I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He's shaping your heart

Be kind to yourself
 be kind to yourself”

Father in this instance being the songwriter, writing a song to his daughter. But I get hung up on the Christian-ese baggage of capital F “Father” God. This isn’t true here but is probably used that way somewhere … and I am uncomfortable with the tendency in church to do so.

And God as the ultimate expression of Loving parenting isn’t a bad metaphor. Just the “father” as loving authoritarian is not helpful. Also, God as Man ...man as power… I’m over it. 

But the “I love you just the way that you are” coming both from this individual Dad to his kid AND the notion that God feels that about creation including individual humans....which means me...is true and difficult to hold.

“How does it end when the war that you're in
Is just you against you against you?

You've gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies too"

The way the enemy as self is played out is very clever. And helps me move from projecting ideas in this song on my kids to letting the lyrics do work in me.

The question posed here is an important one. With an equally profound response.

You against you against you
Gotta learn to love...your enemies too.

Played out in my head over and over. A good reminder when my thoughts are assaulting my belovedness.

“You can't expect to be perfect
It's a fight you've gotta forfeit
You belong to me whatever you do
So lay down your weapon, darling”

Now that I am letting God love me through this song, here is what I needed to hear:
- Forfeiting the fight to earn my worth 
- Laying down weapons (patterns of negativity towards myself)
- Believing when someone says “I love you”

All phenomenal life skills. The work and growth and beauty in this difficult life can be unearthed through these lessons. And yet, it is heartbreaking how hard this is to accept and experience.

The “you belong to me” idea snags. In culture “belong” is used within romantic relationships. Songs, movies, etc. use the phrase and it bothers me. In the church “belonging” to God can be even more insidious. Both places “belong” is spoken of with analogies of property, ownership, and “being marked.” Uncomfortable, and all too often conveyed as benign is the casual use of humans as property.

And also .... Belonging is spoken of within the research of Brene Brown, other social workers, sociologists, and psychologists in a very different way. The deep felt sense that you belong and are accepted equates to believing you matter and have worth. Disability communities, diversity communities, and chronic illness communities have leveraged this core need for Belonging in our advocacy work.

Right now I am working to equate “belong" with acceptance rather than ownership.

“Take a deep breath
And believe that I love you

Be kind to yourself 
be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies

Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies, too”

Ending with a practical action item, like all good sermons.

Take a deep breath and believe you are loved. I am grateful for this song in my head, doing God’s work in me.